Back to square one

Positivity cures

2010-08-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

Be a best friend, tell the truth,and overuse i love you go to to work and do your best, never out smart your common sence, never let your prayin knees get lazy, and love like crazy!

When you do not seek or need external approval, you are at your most powerful. Nobody can disempower you emotionally or psychologically- Caroline Myss

Don't let anybody tell you, you can't do something.

You got a dream, you gotta protect it.

People can't do something themselves, they wanna tell you that you can't do it.

You want something, go get it. Period.

Energy and persistence conquer all things' - Benjamin Franklin

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened'

'You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else' - Albert Einstein

'No matter how far life pushes you down, no matter how much you hurt, you can always bounce back' -Sheryl Swoopes

'Quality is not an act, it's a habit'

'The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it' - W.W. Lewis

'Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose' - Tennessee Williams

'The reward of suffering is experience'

'I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lack self-control, loves and hates and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries'

'Nobody can hurt me without my permission'- Mahatma Ghandi

'if you wait to do everthing until you're sure you're right, you'll probably never do much of amything'

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure- Marianne Williamsn

Shocking shocking shocking!

2010-08-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

I have been busy with things lately regardless how much i complaint about not having anything to do or things to keep myself busy like other effective adults do. So, here's what happened. I decided to get the annual physical check up from Sindecuse Health Center on third of august. Pap smear, breast cancer test et cetera. While i was in the doc's office, she said that test results will be back in a week and results are expected to be fine since my first (and unprotected) sexual intercourse was three months back and there would really be no indication of abnormal cells or tissues, and HPV since these viruses would normally take up to three years to be detectable. She told me she would call me if the results came back abnormal or if there was any problems. I had no worries knowing that I have had only ONE real sexual intercourse and the chances of being infected is extremely low. Unfortunately, I received a call from the doc somewhere on the second week of August 2010 and i was told that my Pap Smear is abnormal with a HSIL, which basically means that it can turn into a cancer anytime. I was shocked, surprised, anxious, and all other feelings i don't even know how to explain. She had to refer me to Borgess women's health in portage where they have a better facility and a good gyno. I cried every night since then. It's not fair to be because i don't think i'm a bad bitch that would sleep around and because i am not. I am going to have my first biopsy/colposcopy in two days. I'm scared but i need to keep myself fresh and positive. Doc said my immune system can fight off the abnormal cells if i'm strong enough, mentality has a LOT to do with these too. She tried to calm me down because the result was really shocking. It was my first pap smear and i had it done in the right time, how can it possibly turn into the last stage of precancerous tissues?? It was the only time i had sexual intercourse with a GUY too! as bad as it may sound, there's no good getting upset, all i can do right now is to help my bod fight off the viruses. I'm going to be fine and everything is going to be alright. I live you BO! no one can hurt you without your permission!!

taking an initiative step

2010-08-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

So its been a while...

I have not been doing anything interesting recently. All I do is wasting my time and money at the local bars and hookah lounge.

I asked myself- why? why can't I be like others? Why can't I be an optimist? Why can't I that girl that everyone around would look out for? one that would lock all the eyes when seen by others? one that knows how to have fun and provides some sort of benefits at the same time? y'know? By going to Ybar, Wayside and Hookah Lounge would not make anything better. I want to be that girl that people would look at mt and say 'She's THE girl' as known as wonder woman, super woman.

I want to quit complaining and start doing. Help. I just don't know how.

Maybe I should just pretend myself writing to to a psychiatrist. Maybe it will help.

To be continue...

S.O.S

2010-07-11T21:54:00.001-07:00

As the title was named: SOS!!

12:55 AM 07/12/2010 My facebook status: Bo Tida is pissed at myself for reasons I don't even know.

Okay- SO here, I am going to admit- I lied. I know exactly why I was/am pissed at.

I am not satisfied with my accomplishments at all. I can do better, way better. I know I say this a lot. I know I have issues with my attitudes. I know my problems. I just need to figure out correct way to deal with these issues. Arghh, I hate this. I hate not being able to express my true self to others. I hate the fact that I could have done sooo many interesting/ amazing things/activities if I were to adjust the way I communicate. I hate knowing the problems and not being able to solve them. I hate complaining to myself. I hate being helpless. I hate seeing other people that actually has lesser opportunities than I do but they ended up at the better place where I stand. Regrets. Lots of regrets. What am i suppose to do? I wanna be that girl that is lucky in every way. I wanna be the smart, beautiful, rich, charming, famous girl. *sigh* SOS

CHEG 2960

2010-07-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

YESSSSSSSSS! I pass this class. OH MY GOD, BIG relief! :)

BIG BIG BIG SMILE ;)

too stressful

2010-07-05T17:16:00.000-07:00

my new cut - this was all because of Dr.Kline ( one day before the final exam)

07/05/10

2010-07-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

As promised, I am trying to keep posting one everyday so here I am, blogging.

This might just be another useless blabbing but whatever.

Happy July 4th.

United States Independence day- :)

what I did?? I went with P'yod to watch fireworks at one of the park i don't even remember the name. It was okay.. watchable, nothing big compared to ones back home.

Today is a public holiday. So, Thais and I went to laguna beach in portage- twenty minutes from kalamazoo. and urhhh I thought we were gonna go at 4 but due to miscommunication I had to leave home unshowered. Oh god, my period came right when it's the hardest time to find a tampon. I had to walk all the way front to the ladies just to check if there was any coin operated tampon dispenser. Then I left the beach with my other thai friend.

well, now that i'm in my bedroom PMSing, i realize that i have issues. the issue that i know that has always cause me problems. I should have known better. I ignored the issue and pretend/lie to my self that it's no big deal. It's the biggest deal indeed. *sigh*

I hate myself. I need to boost up my self esteem and to make believe that I'm worth the risk, that I'm not useless and that i make differences in life. IDK, but lately i've been so upset with myself in lots of things.. Maybe I should just list this down and improve myself little by little.

So here it is:

- procastination

- socialization

- self expression

- self worth

that's all i can think as of now. I'm surprised. However, these may seem to be little but it has huge impact in my life. HUGE.

i shall come up with ways to deal and handle these issues!

07/05/10

made someone so jealous today! lol

Unfair Situation

2010-07-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

Today is the fourth of July- The independence day.

So last night my friends and I went out to y-bar as usual. I t was dead empty. Not only in y bar but wayside too! I thought that it was going to be an extremely dead night but ah ahh- it was quite interesting. Some guy came up to my hot girlfriend AGAIN- ughh so typical. As for me, I was at getting my bud light lime and this SUPERFUCKINGDELICIOUS cute asian was flirting with me. Hot dame I got turned on when he touched me. I have never met a good looking asian- by asain I mean FULL asian- in fact asian american. he knew hes a yummy dish too! welll well, turned out he was GAY! I bet his good uhhhhot yummy bouncer that I checked him out, was gay too! Fuck I was so pissed. The conversation went so well and we were gonna go back but I live too far. Fuck yeah I didn't mind he was gay, I would even fuck him but he's just too chicken to come to my place and I didn't wanna go to his. Arghhhhh this just pissed me off.

07/04/10

atleast he thought i was cute.

back back back

2010-07-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

OMG, it has been almost a year since I last posted stuff in my blog. I'm lazy and I am not much into writing and stuff. I wish I have that enthusiasm that most of the girls (??) do, well atleast the girls that write. A few friends of mine are now blogging to promote themselves. (marketing) I am trying my best to atleast post something up in here once or twice a month. (hey that's a good start). I don't have much to do in the summer so I'll TRY to write more. As soon as fall comes, i'm gonna be hella busy. I can't even imagine. I major in engineering - chemical engineering specifically, that's a lot of work but it's a hundred times harder for me since I am not a smart girl, I am VERY slow at stuff. When I was young, I had trouble in class. LOTS of troubles, I had to work a lot harder than an average student does. sigh*

Speaking of studying, my grade for summer one class is coming up this tuesday at about noon. I am so excited. I know I'm gonna fail but deep down inside I pray to God to pass this exam. I don't even wanna talk about it, it is too stressful. I cried right when I walked out of the exam room. I was so emotional. I broke down and cried the whole day. I studied my ass off and if I fail this class again- I dont know. I really dont know what to do. Fuck. I shouldn't have started thinking/worrying/panicking/writing about this because I am going to have a headache in any minute- yes it is that stressful!... I need a break.

07/03/10

paid my rent today- so broke.

lesson learned

2009-10-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

You were my first true love,
I never realized how evil I was while we're together.
Now it's too late. You're gone. Long gone. And I'm too far. Far away.

Flashbacks- I miss you. a little, a lot.
Regret the past. Why dint I treasure our Love.

You're my first.
I was your first.
How can I be so stupid to not know and refuse to know that it was 'real'.

Sorry. The only word I can think of right now.

Your friends- Bo is a bitch.
You- I love that bitch.
:)

I broke your heart into trillion pieces.
You said its okay, you can handle.

Now I ended up alone.
Not only did my heart was broken, but soul.

You used to cry infront of me: I said you're being childish. Grow up.
Now I ended up crying all alone. You'll never know.
.... owh you left me with a broken heart......
.....owh you left me with nothing but a kiss....

I dont love you, but I still miss you.
XOXOthe moral of story is. tadaaa... treasure the love b4 its too late cz you're really going to regret what youve done.

reality

2009-08-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

*Thanks many bunches to my mom and my dad for giving me the good education. I will try to make use of it as much as I can.*

e-mail opened. flight tickets confimed. I am going away. far away to a different continent. different culture. how am i gonna deal all by myself?

I looked at flight details again, suddenly, the weird feelings I have rushed into my mind again. I felt sad to leave my loved ones. I really dont want to go. It is too fast. but it is time for me to move on. new experience. Im afraid.

I looked at flight tickets again. suddenly I thank myself for being in a good family where they can support me in everyway. I thank god for providing me this. I thank my parent for working hard for me. I fely sorry for those who needs what i have. I felt sorry for myself, for not realizing how lucky I am. i felt sorry for not making the best out of eveything I have. I felt sorry for myself for not realizing the values of money, and spent it stupidly when some people NEEDS it badly.

I don't know if this world is fair. In my opinion, it totally is not. I just felt like crying as im typing down words by words. a word, a sentence can not explain how terrible and unfair this world is, to someone I know. someone I love.

I am not talking about a relationship here. I am talking about all the shitty, unfair shit. Some bad people just get lucky all the time, get away with what he/she is supposed to deserve, while some people just extremely facing unfair treatment. I dont know if it has to do with luck.

and now Im crying, crying while feeling sorry for what someone I love is experiencing. I wish I could help. sympathy is what I got for her, but it is not what she needs.

I have learnt a lot from her experience. Eventhough I dont see her very often, yet i know what is going on with her, in her life. I learned to be careful and wise with all the actions that will lead a long path of the future. I learned to be strong, to be very strong, and that all the problems I'm facing right now is totally nothing compared to hers. I learned how LOVE can lead anyone to do anything, from wosrt to best. I learned that there is always a solution to a problem. I also learned to be thankful for what I already have, that my parent can fulfill all my needs. Also, I learned to be patient, that time means A LOT. I also learned that money is another big issue that can lead to social problems.

I thank her for teaching me all these without realizing it. I just HOPE,i really hope the best for her from now on. I hope she gets through everything. I hope she can sleep well sooner at night and not have to wory about a thing. I hope I can shed some tears for her so that she doesn't have to cry again. I hope I can benefit her in some way, sooner or later. I hope she still have patience, and the strong personality. I respect her for being able to get through the problems, little by little.

- hopefully, the pain will slowly fade away.
- the tears on your cheeks will dry up and be gone. soon.
-the broken heart of hers will slowly be fixed, I hope.

shitty

2009-08-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

Stress! depress!

I started off the post with such a strong, negative discription of such a bad feeling that one should not possessed. the one personality that I would like to make some improvement is 'self-esteem'. I lack it. I want it more.

My sisters and I are always fighting and arguing since we were young. It gets better as we grow mature, but still we're fighting over nonsense issues. Being the oldest one requires strong, positive attitude to make the young one respects you in which I dont have within myself.

I know my sisters love me. I love them too, but everytime we fought; I always feel as if I was not a being a good sister, that I need to grow mature and change some attitudes within me. At times I cried, eventhough we fought over stupid issues, but it is not the issues that made me cry over. Its me thinking that im not being good enough, not being the person i should be. A lot of times, I get pissed at myself for not being the person I want myself to be, for the absence of good quality in myself. comparing my attitudes to my 17-year old sister, I felt like she possess the quality that i want myself to be. that THOUGHT, I didnt have. The critical thinking. sometimes I felt as if I was a mean, narrow minded, selfish bitch. I asked myself 'why do people like my sister more that myself?', I could never find the exact answer til now, but I know it has got to do with the personality. Maybe I need to change before it is too late. God bless me. Help me through this. I need a path to follow. I know i'm more of a follower, not a leader. One day, I shall be, the leader, the good leader everyone love to follow.

Second Blog

2009-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

... and due to all the feelings just mentioned below, I googled 'How to prepare for university?'

It is not like I have never been in the university before, I could say that I'm already a second year student, BUT BUT the thing is that everything is going to be new for me. COMPLETELY NEW. The system. The culture. The people. Friends. So, now let me introduce...20 Secrets to Prepare University and College Students for Landing the Best Graduate Job Or Career

but I will only be putting it down five points a day, so I can absorbed it, and get it to my head slowly.

1. Get out of the library. ``You can have a degree and a huge GPA and not be ready for the workplace. A student should plan that college is four years of experience rather than 120 credits," says William Coplin, professor at Syracuse University and author of the book, ``10 Things Employers Want You to Learn in College."

2. Start a business in your dorm room. It's cheap, Google and Yahoo are dying to buy your website, and it's better than washing dishes in the cafeteria. Note to those who play poker online until 4 a.m.: Gambling isn't a business. It's an addiction.

3. Don't take on debt that is too limiting. This is not a reference to online gambling, although it could be. This is about choosing a state school over a pricey private school. Almost everyone agrees you can get a great education at an inexpensive school. So in many cases the debt from a private school is more career-limiting than the lack of brand name on your diploma.

4. Get involved on campus. When it comes to career success, emotional intelligence -- social skills to read and lead others -- get you farther than knowledge or job competence, according to Tiziana Casciaro, professor at Harvard Business School. Julie Albert, a junior at Brandeis University, is the director of her a capella group and head of orientation this year. She hones her leadership skills outside the classroom, which is exactly where to do it.

5. Avoid grad school in the liberal arts. One in five English Phd's find stable university jobs, and the degree won't help outside the university: ``Schooling only gives you the capacity to stand behind a cash register," says Thomas Benton, a columnist at the Chronicle of Higher Education (who has an English degree from Yale and a tenure-track teaching job.)

Emotions

2009-08-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

Its 9:41pm. My sister is already sleeping on the bed. I am just here, infront of the monitor.

Then I think to myself, 'What is going to happen in the future?', or more precisely, 'What is it going to be like when I'm in the States?, What is going to happen to me as soon as my parent and my sisters leave?

A lot of things scared me out. That includes all the unknown variables that I am going to face... soon.. in less than three weeks. Everything happened so fast, I didn't even realize. Ofcourse, I am happy, glad, lucky that I get to go to the States and study. I should have that excitement deep down in my cold feelings, BUT, for some reason, I have this strange, frightened-like, and things I won't be able to describe. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's usual thing that happens. I don't know.

I am thankful that I get to have good education. I know I have to work hard. I am gonna have to make sure that every pennies my dad spent on my education is worth it. I WILL. or atleast I'll try. I feel bad for my mom and my dad that they had to work really really hard for us, and yet, I was not able to satisfy them in anyway. Like Ben raj told me before I left, '....u have bright future ok, make use of it and make everyone proud. I know I would be..' Thank you Ben for having that faith in me. I really need that.