reality

*Thanks many bunches to my mom and my dad for giving me the good education. I will try to make use of it as much as I can.*

e-mail opened. flight tickets confimed. I am going away. far away to a different continent. different culture. how am i gonna deal all by myself?

I looked at flight details again, suddenly, the weird feelings I have rushed into my mind again. I felt sad to leave my loved ones. I really dont want to go. It is too fast. but it is time for me to move on. new experience. Im afraid.

I looked at flight tickets again. suddenly I thank myself for being in a good family where they can support me in everyway. I thank god for providing me this. I thank my parent for working hard for me. I fely sorry for those who needs what i have. I felt sorry for myself, for not realizing how lucky I am. i felt sorry for not making the best out of eveything I have. I felt sorry for myself for not realizing the values of money, and spent it stupidly when some people NEEDS it badly.

I don't know if this world is fair. In my opinion, it totally is not. I just felt like crying as im typing down words by words. a word, a sentence can not explain how terrible and unfair this world is, to someone I know. someone I love.

I am not talking about a relationship here. I am talking about all the shitty, unfair shit. Some bad people just get lucky all the time, get away with what he/she is supposed to deserve, while some people just extremely facing unfair treatment. I dont know if it has to do with luck.

and now Im crying, crying while feeling sorry for what someone I love is experiencing. I wish I could help. sympathy is what I got for her, but it is not what she needs.

I have learnt a lot from her experience. Eventhough I dont see her very often, yet i know what is going on with her, in her life. I learned to be careful and wise with all the actions that will lead a long path of the future. I learned to be strong, to be very strong, and that all the problems I'm facing right now is totally nothing compared to hers. I learned how LOVE can lead anyone to do anything, from wosrt to best. I learned that there is always a solution to a problem. I also learned to be thankful for what I already have, that my parent can fulfill all my needs. Also, I learned to be patient, that time means A LOT. I also learned that money is another big issue that can lead to social problems.

I thank her for teaching me all these without realizing it. I just HOPE,i really hope the best for her from now on. I hope she gets through everything. I hope she can sleep well sooner at night and not have to wory about a thing. I hope I can shed some tears for her so that she doesn't have to cry again. I hope I can benefit her in some way, sooner or later. I hope she still have patience, and the strong personality. I respect her for being able to get through the problems, little by little.

- hopefully, the pain will slowly fade away.
- the tears on your cheeks will dry up and be gone. soon.
-the broken heart of hers will slowly be fixed, I hope.

shitty

Stress! depress!

I started off the post with such a strong, negative discription of such a bad feeling that one should not possessed. the one personality that I would like to make some improvement is 'self-esteem'. I lack it. I want it more.

My sisters and I are always fighting and arguing since we were young. It gets better as we grow mature, but still we're fighting over nonsense issues. Being the oldest one requires strong, positive attitude to make the young one respects you in which I dont have within myself.

I know my sisters love me. I love them too, but everytime we fought; I always feel as if I was not a being a good sister, that I need to grow mature and change some attitudes within me. At times I cried, eventhough we fought over stupid issues, but it is not the issues that made me cry over. Its me thinking that im not being good enough, not being the person i should be. A lot of times, I get pissed at myself for not being the person I want myself to be, for the absence of good quality in myself. comparing my attitudes to my 17-year old sister, I felt like she possess the quality that i want myself to be. that THOUGHT, I didnt have. The critical thinking. sometimes I felt as if I was a mean, narrow minded, selfish bitch. I asked myself 'why do people like my sister more that myself?', I could never find the exact answer til now, but I know it has got to do with the personality. Maybe I need to change before it is too late. God bless me. Help me through this. I need a path to follow. I know i'm more of a follower, not a leader. One day, I shall be, the leader, the good leader everyone love to follow.

Second Blog

... and due to all the feelings just mentioned below, I googled 'How to prepare for university?'

It is not like I have never been in the university before, I could say that I'm already a second year student, BUT BUT the thing is that everything is going to be new for me. COMPLETELY NEW. The system. The culture. The people. Friends. So, now let me introduce...20 Secrets to Prepare University and College Students for Landing the Best Graduate Job Or Career

but I will only be putting it down five points a day, so I can absorbed it, and get it to my head slowly.

1. Get out of the library. ``You can have a degree and a huge GPA and not be ready for the workplace. A student should plan that college is four years of experience rather than 120 credits," says William Coplin, professor at Syracuse University and author of the book, ``10 Things Employers Want You to Learn in College."

2. Start a business in your dorm room. It's cheap, Google and Yahoo are dying to buy your website, and it's better than washing dishes in the cafeteria. Note to those who play poker online until 4 a.m.: Gambling isn't a business. It's an addiction.

3. Don't take on debt that is too limiting. This is not a reference to online gambling, although it could be. This is about choosing a state school over a pricey private school. Almost everyone agrees you can get a great education at an inexpensive school. So in many cases the debt from a private school is more career-limiting than the lack of brand name on your diploma.

4. Get involved on campus. When it comes to career success, emotional intelligence -- social skills to read and lead others -- get you farther than knowledge or job competence, according to Tiziana Casciaro, professor at Harvard Business School. Julie Albert, a junior at Brandeis University, is the director of her a capella group and head of orientation this year. She hones her leadership skills outside the classroom, which is exactly where to do it.

5. Avoid grad school in the liberal arts. One in five English Phd's find stable university jobs, and the degree won't help outside the university: ``Schooling only gives you the capacity to stand behind a cash register," says Thomas Benton, a columnist at the Chronicle of Higher Education (who has an English degree from Yale and a tenure-track teaching job.)

Emotions

Its 9:41pm. My sister is already sleeping on the bed. I am just here, infront of the monitor.

Then I think to myself, 'What is going to happen in the future?', or more precisely, 'What is it going to be like when I'm in the States?, What is going to happen to me as soon as my parent and my sisters leave?

A lot of things scared me out. That includes all the unknown variables that I am going to face... soon.. in less than three weeks. Everything happened so fast, I didn't even realize. Ofcourse, I am happy, glad, lucky that I get to go to the States and study. I should have that excitement deep down in my cold feelings, BUT, for some reason, I have this strange, frightened-like, and things I won't be able to describe. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's usual thing that happens. I don't know.

I am thankful that I get to have good education. I know I have to work hard. I am gonna have to make sure that every pennies my dad spent on my education is worth it. I WILL. or atleast I'll try. I feel bad for my mom and my dad that they had to work really really hard for us, and yet, I was not able to satisfy them in anyway. Like Ben raj told me before I left, '....u have bright future ok, make use of it and make everyone proud. I know I would be..' Thank you Ben for having that faith in me. I really need that.